Log in

No account? Create an account
22 September 2005 @ 10:42 pm

Warning: Angst

Neji didn't see it coming.

Hinata knew it would happen.

He didn't understand why.

She was the reason.

She is missing. Her room is clean, tidy, like she hadn't gone home. The fridge was full of his favorite buns. The cupboard was full of tea leaves to his favorite tea. Her bedspreads are no longer pink, but his favorite shade of gray. The smell of Jasmine is fresh. But her shadow and laughter is missing. She no longer seeks out Neji to train. She no longer runs to his room when lightning streaks the sky. There is no longer warm, chinese buns waiting for him when he shows up for missions. There is no one who dares to snap at him as openly as she does. No one else who gives him friendly touches which he detests but secretly loves. No one else to comfort him like she does.

His blank eyes sweep towards the picture of the girl he had admired for so long. The girl whose hair was often done up in buns. Whose clothes always contained a touch of pink. Whose smile lit up the room. Whose voice he would hear miles away as he sat in his room. Her determination and confidence was worthy of his admiration. The sparkle in her eyes and the laughter of her voice despite all that she has been through. Orphaned was the word. Forgotten was the feeling. All that she held inside of herself. No one knew, save except some. Those with open eyes do not see, yet others, who turn away, like Hinata, they see the most.

Everyone else would think she was empty of emotion. Empty of personality. Except those stark white eyes tried not to see the vibrant colors of her world. For Hinata knew, Tenten only wanted Neji to understand.

But he doesn't.

He can't see that she is gone because of the chains that bound onto him. He doesn't know that he will never see her again. Her body which was burnt to ashes after being found drained of blood, in the middle of a field they knew so well. He is often kept away by secret ANBU missions. Even Hinata barely catch a glimpse of him. The wind which brought him Tenten's disappearance was lying. Tenten didn't disappear. She is dead. Obviously, he doesn't know. Because he still goes to her apartment and cleans out the dust. He still places fresh Jasmine flowers.

Hinata doesn't have the heart to tell him that Tenten has died almost 4 months now. Because of the child she carries. No one told Neji, because they know he loves her. No one told Neji, because they fear he might hate his family. His blood.

Tenten loved Neji more than anyone else. Even shy little Hinata whose heart still belonged to the loud, blond Hokage, who looks more and more like the Yondaime everyday. Even she would tell you that. But fate was cruel, as they tied two cousins together, and let wounded hearts bleed. Made brown eyes cry. And when they yearned for a heir... It made brown eyes die.

Her heart is broken, for he does not know, he is seeking a shadow, while she rests in peace.

Ok. Horrible. I know.. My first attempt at NejiTen. Hehe.. Umm... I don't know how to cut, can anyone teach me?
Al'angstyalex on September 22nd, 2005 08:55 pm (UTC)
Ah, just realized you dont know how to cut... put < lj-cut > before all your text, and < /lj-cut > after it all. Minus the spaces inside tags.

Other than that, in regards to the drabble... the sentences are choppy, short, and I think it needs to be reworked to flow. Use commas in some cases, instead of periods... commas are you best friend.

Some lines just don't quite work for me. 'It made brown eyes die'... I know that you have a theme goign here to do with neji's eyes, hinatas eyes,and Tentens eyes, but It kinda feels like youre reiterating that too much.
'Because of the child she carries', confused me. Hinata's child? Tenten's child? Why would it affect her decision to tell Neji that she's dead...?
'No one told Neji, because they fear he might hate his family. His blood. '
He already does XD;

And I guess, other lines like this, just don't make sense to me. 'Those with open eyes do not see, yet others, who turn away, like Hinata, they see the most. '

Purely constructive criticism, I think it was a good drabble, but it needs work, in my opinion.
Xxxfire_vs_ice on September 23rd, 2005 10:13 am (UTC)
I suppose I wasn't clear enough. >< Sorry.

The actual story (cut short and less naggy) is.. Tenten and Neji love each other. Neji married Hinata because it was an order. And when the Hyuga clan wanted a child, they, of course, obliged. Tenten commited suicide because she learnt of the child Hinata was carrying. Obviously, in this fic, they are alot older, Neji no longer hates his family. But imagine if the person you loved the most died because of your family duty.

But thanks for the criticism! =D I'll work on my writing skills.
kodachikunai: blinkkodachikunai on November 7th, 2005 03:35 am (UTC)
Wow. I totally missed that. When I read this, I thought the story was:

Neji's with Tenten. [dating, not married]
Tenten's pregnant.
The Hyuuga plan and plot.
While Neji's away, they kill her, because she's pregnant. [don't want the blood trait getting out of their hands]
They cover it up, and plan to marry Neji to Hinata.

I was REALLY off, wasn't I?
Xxx: Candyfire_vs_ice on December 9th, 2005 06:55 am (UTC)
LoL.. Yes, you were.. >< But it's ok, since it's all cleared up now and I must practise on my writing skills.. o_O
Julie ♪xxlonelyxgrlxx on September 23rd, 2005 05:49 am (UTC)
i like this. =]
i think i understand what you meant in 'Those with open eyes do not see, yet others, who turn away, like Hinata, they see the most. '
those who look just at tenten, just sees a happy cheerful girl who likes weapons, but people like Hinata who observes people, sees how tenten is feeling.
i'm not sure if that's really what you meant, but that's what i thought it meant, it's my opinion.
Xxxfire_vs_ice on September 23rd, 2005 10:15 am (UTC)
Yep. That's exactly what I mean. Well, not really.. It's just like saying that those who have wide open eyes are often oblivious to the obvious. But Hinata, who is quiet and observant, she sees what others miss.
Millie: nejitenmillie_chan on September 23rd, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)



I wasn't in the mood to read an angsty [much more a character death] fic... and you didn't even put any warnings!! I mean, sure, you don't know how to cut, but the warnings, dude!!!
Al'angstyalex on September 23rd, 2005 08:24 pm (UTC)
I'd have to agree. And the fact that its NejiHina far more than NejiTen makes me puke. Ive always hated NejiHina.. xD;
Xxxfire_vs_ice on September 24th, 2005 10:43 am (UTC)
It's not really NejiHina. Neji loves Tenten. He's just married to Hinata because that was what the Hyuga clan wanted. Mehh.. I always imagined them to have a corrupted family life. Due to the Byakugan.

Btw, Millie_chan, I'm really sorry.. Gomen!!
bananafeathers on September 25th, 2005 03:00 pm (UTC)
This is very good for your first attempt at angst. (Have yet to try it; I've got this strange affinity to fluff. Probably because it takes a lot less thinking to write. XD) I like it, even though I have to agree with angstyalex in some areas. But if you work on making things more clear and fluent, I can see you becoming quite the talented oneshot writer. ^__^ Keep practicing! *thumbs-up*

P.S.: I can see the Hyuuga clan's need for an heir in the future becoming a problem. Let's hope it doesn't happen for the sake of NejiTen, although there would probably be a few good "Romeo and Juliet"-esque fanfictions floating around because of it.