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23 October 2006 @ 04:31 pm
[Fic] [Ten for Ten] [1-3]  
Ahem. It appears that this community is in need of crack. *sweeps hands* Behold, for I, Toboe LoneWolf, your resident perpetual happy-ending-and-crack-weapon-writer provides.

...Er, I'm fine.

And so, the first batch, consisting of Knights In Shining Armor, Toboe being Very Literal, parodies, and the appearance of Nizzle. Kind of.

Theme: 1. It's been five days

It's been five days.

Five days since she went in there. Five days in the chamber of trials. Five days to prove that she is worthy. Five days.

He can't help but worry. He smiles wryly at the sudden role reversal; but then again the woman was never one to stay within the proper confines of her station. No matter that it had never happened before, no matter if she would always automatically be viewed weak by her peers, no matter if some people would jeer or look strangely or stare at the woman who decided at the age of five that she would be become Konohagurake's first woman knight.

She might have been able to fool the rest of her year-group as being the young lad named "Tenten," but she could not fool the eyes of a Hyuuga. This Neji Hyuuga, to be exact.

"You're a girl."

She'd stared at him as he said her secret without emotion. Flat against the stone cool walls she stared into the renowned eyes of the Hyuuga family, trapped between his arm and a marble column in a deserted palace hall.

"Yeah? So what?" Her hands clenched into fists. "You have something against that?"

He blinked.

"Well, you're not gonna stop me. I'm going to be a
knight, and I'm going to wield a sword better than all of you, and I don't care if I'm a girl or not 'cause nobody's going to stop me, not even a Hyuuga!"

Neji's face flickered to the left as Tenten glared at him. A girl? As a knight? The idea was preposterous. Never in all of Konohagurake's history had a woman ever been knighted.

Then again, never had a branch family member become a true member of the nobility either. A knight was all Neji could aspire for, and perhaps, just perhaps, a chance to rise even higher.

Neji removed his hand, turning his back. "Fine. I won't stop you."

He was going to walk to his rooms when a hand tugged on his tunic.


He stopped. "No."

No, it had never been his intention. He had been simply…intrigued. And perhaps…a bit rebellious, like her.

A shy face with messy brown bangs appeared from his side. A small smile grew as she faced the taller boy. "Can we practice together, then?"

He shifts slightly, betraying his concern as he waits outside forbidding metal doors. Tenten had managed to keep her secret through all her years of training, from first year page to squire.

Her secret had been revealed in the field of battle, from a chest wound that showed all too obviously to her opponent, to the comrades next to her, and to the medics that she was, in fact, a woman.

(Needless to say, the opponent had not lasted very long after Tenten's secret had been revealed. Neji had learned from long hours in practice that Tenten was never, ever, ever without a weapon.)

There'd been much shouting and debate and heated discussion afterwards. Should she be given the death penalty, should she excommunicated, should she be stripped of rank and forced into a convent, should she be allowed to continue…

It'd been the king, in fact, that had ended the quarrels.


The frenzied debate stilled at the single word. Sarutobi looked severely at the court.

"What is this? Death for a warrior proven in battle, not even knighted yet? Excommunication for the mere matter of gender?" The king slammed a fist into the armchair of his throne. "May I remind you that we are at war! We cannot afford to lose even one child who is willing to fight for his country!"

Neji's heart rose. Then…?

King Sarutobi continued. "I will not hear anymore of anything that would prevent Konohagurake's most famed weapons master from being allowed to pick up arms and defend her country. No, not even if she is, in fact, a woman."

Neji could hear the muttering. Insane. Impossible. He glanced at Tenten kneeling beside him. They were all kneeling in the center of the count, they and all her year-mates, along with the teachers she had apparently deceived (although Neji had suspicions that this was not necessarily the case.) They were to be judged alongside her, for apparently "allowing themselves to be deceived." As for Tenten, she was in the front, alone, with her head was properly bowed, even as everything she represented was anything but proper.

"And she
will become a knight of Konohagurake!" Sarutobi's voice rose. "She will become the first ever woman knight of Konohagurake! She will take the tests as planned in six months time, and she will prove to all of Konohagurake that she is worthy of bearing a shield with the heralds of Konoha!"

Only then had Tenten's head rose, and Neji could see her sparkling eyes as she was given sanction from the king himself that she would indeed become a knight of Konoha.

And so six months passed, and Tenten was allowed into the chamber of trials just like the rest of her year-group had before her.

One by one, they'd gone through the gauntlet, proving their sword and shield and their honor to the code of chivalry. A ruthless test, several days long, where one would enter as squire and leave as a knight in all but name, save for the official proclamation by the king.

Neji had been the first to enter. Tenten was the last.

It had been Tenten's turn to wait as he had entered the trials. Now it was his.

Five days. He's waiting for her to come out with that same tired grin he'd see at the end of an exhausting spar between the two of them. He's waiting for her to walk out of there with a thumbs-up and Sir Gai will cry tears of joy and Lee, who's standing right next to him, will join in. He's waiting for her to push aside those metal doors and say, "Heya, Neji. I'm a knight now," as if it were nothing. He waiting for her to come out and prove to the world that yes, women can become knights too, and Sarutobi will allow girls into the page rank next year. He's waiting, so they can stand by each other as a sword touches upon their shoulders and they hear the words, "Rise, sir knight."

The metal doors creak open, and everyone looks up.

A half-stumble as tired legs push just a little bit further. And then she emerges, with tired grin and a shaky thumbs-up, but it's there, just like Neji knew it would. And Sir Gai cries buckets and Lee is jumping up and down because they'd all made it, finally. And she turns to look at him and Neji finally smiles, because she's done it.

Tenten grins even wider. "Heya, Neji. I'm a knight now."

Theme: Combination -- 2. Sincerely Yours and 3. White Out


There were times when Tenten hated the fact that she was of the female gender. Like now, for instance.

That was the only explicable reason she could think of for the why she would end a five page long mission report to her outpost commanding officer with curly flourishes, hearts, and sparkles. With "Love, Tenten."

Apparently the monotone, dry, boring report had turned her brain into mush that she would revert to her girlhood days when it was socially acceptable to daydream and doodle the name of your current crush all over your papers.

This was no longer the case seven years later when Tenten was a jounin, Neji was her commanding officer, and she was on guard duty in Suna. Most definitely not.

Tenten cursed her traitorous hand and her pen and scrambled in her pack for more paper to rewrite the whole damn thing again.

Then Tenten cursed fate. Because that was the only explicable reason as to why she had apparently run out of paper. She'd learned quite a few curses on fate from Neji, surprisingly enough, as she discovered that she had run out of space on the paper and then could not just scratch out the offending girly ending. The traders in the caravan did not carry paper themselves, so she couldn't ask them; and the caravan she was guarding happened to be a week out of town and thus no chance of attaining any more paper. And with shinobi skills in summoning reports at the dot, there would be no excuse for a late report, Tenten knew that much. Clearly, fate was against her.

Digging through her pack once more, she excavated a bottle of white-out. She glared at it, betting that it would be dry and nasty and clumped. With a twist she took off the cap and peered down at its contents. Somewhat miscible; it would have to do.

With careful brush strokes Tenten covered her girly relapse with liberal amounts of white-out and resolved to pay much, much, much closer attention to future reports.

x x x x x

Tenten turned beet red as she received the next letter from Neji.

Dear Tenten,

I think you are forgetting about the Byakugan. I can see through white-out.

Sincerely Yours,

PS: Love you too.

Theme: 3. White Out

They stared at the screen.

"Do civilians have this much time on their hands?"

Tenten scrolled down. "…There's like…hundreds of pages…. "

Neji and Tenten had discovered a little website known as shinobi-fic.net. Apparently, for reasons they could not fathom, it had become incredibly popular for people to write fictional stories about other people. Certain people in the shinobi occupation. Now, Neji and Tenten would not be all too adverse to the concept, except that a majority of the stuff was romance.

Fluffy romance.

Angsty romance.

Steamy and hot and really not something the two of them wanted to think about…Romance.

Especially when it seemed like everybody they knew was paired up with somebody. Sometimes multiple somebodies. At the same time. Depending on the whim of the author.

This was disturbing on the level of Gai and Lee pulling sunsets, waterfalls, and green jumpsuits for a continuous fifteen minute interval. Which had happened only once, but Neji and Tenten had never forgotten it. Usually their jounin-sensei and indomitable teammate were a great deal more…sensible.

From the looks at the "fanfiction" produced by these anonymous civilians, it seemed as if Gai and Lee did that sort of crazy stuff…every single day. Several times.

"What are they, stalkers?" Tenten said disbelievingly as she read the summaries. " Shadowy Love: Ino and Shikamaru … 'Iruka and Kakashi get stuck in a closet in the Academy…ha-ha…' ….I really don't want to know."

"They even write things about us," Neji pointed to a link.

White Out
Author: Nizzle's-FaNGuRL
Genre: Romance
Rating: M
Summary: Team Gai are out on a mission when Neji and Ten Ten get separated from Gai and Lee and get lost in a blizzard! Don't worry, they find a nice log cabin, except that it isn't well stocked, so they have to share a lot of things. A whole lot of things.



"…How can we get lost when you have the Byakugan?"

"How can they misspell your name?"

"How can civilians not have the logic to know that shinobi…do not wander about in blizzards looking for shelter being survival idiots when we can damn well make one ourselves?"

Tenten and Neji looked at each other. Then at the screen.

"…Should…we click on it?"

"Do we really want to know?"




"We're just a pair of secret masochists."

"Indeed. Shall we read the horrors?"


—Everything was blistering white. Neji and Ten Ten couldn't see a hand's width in front of their faces; it was as if the world had turned completely white. Zero visibility, unable to know which way was up and which way was down, it was the most feared type of winter storm – the whiteout.

"Neji! Can you…see anything?" Ten Ten shouted. She was holding onto Neji's hand tightly.

"No!" Neji strained his Hyuuga's eyes to look for anything, but he couldn't see anything—

"Neji…" Ten Ten's grip on Neji's hand slipped, and she stumbled.

Oh no! Neji thought. Ten Ten's getting hypothermia! I have to find a cabin quick!

Suddenly, he saw something! And…yes! It was! It'd been in front of him all this time!

He'd finally found the lone log cabin on the mountain!

Quickly he burst through the door and pulled Ten Ten in.

Oh no, she's shivering so hard!

"Wake up, Ten Ten!" But she didn't wake up. That was bad. (A/N: Becuz when ppl get too cold they become unconscious)

Neji searched frantically for something to warm Ten Ten up, but he could only find one blanket. All of their stuff was soaked, so he couldn't use any of that. So he'd have to use body heat to warm her up real fast.

Quickly Neji stripped off Ten Ten clothes (A/N: LOL), although he tried not thinking about her in That Way (A/N: We'll see about that Neji-kun winkwink). Then he took off all of his clothes so he could help warm her up faster.

Ten Ten didn't know what was happening, but at least she was feeling warmer. She opened her eyes. Wait…

What continued afterwards should not be written down for the sanity of the real Neji and Tenten. Also for their knowledge that such a thing would be burned, eradicated, and erased from all databases, memories, and dirty little civilian minds who had absolutely no logic, sense, or knowledge of the basics of hypothermia. Or basic human anatomy, because bodies cannot twist in that way—

The real Neji and Tenten stared at the screen for a very long time.

Then Neji finally spoke. "The Godaime needs to make a mission that orders for this site to be shut down with military force and the civilian with the penname 'Nizzle's-FaNGuRL' to be forbidden from ever touching a keyboard ever again."

Tenten nodded fervently. "I agree with you whole-heartedly."

x x x x x

"Precious students! Our next mission is to Snow Country!" Gai gave the traditional thumbs-up. "We shall brave mountains and avalanches and blizzards on our quest to protect a precious flower during her maiden journey!"

As Lee bounced up, as he had heard many stories from Naruto and was eager to dare the elements of freezing cold and machines of metal, Tenten turned towards Neji.

"Neji. Whatever happens, we are sleeping on opposite sides. And we're both bringing our own blankets."
wingsoverwingsover on October 23rd, 2006 10:07 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha, Tamora PIERCE. ^_^ Tenten is sooo much cooler than Alanna, though.

And I loved loved LOVED the second drabble. The swirly text! The hearts! THE WHITEOUT. Poor Tenten!

Neji's reply was PERFECT.

And the last part...is that a real fic? (the horror!) But Neji and Tenten...why were you CONTINUING to READ, hm? ^_______^
Toboe LoneWolftoboe_lonewolf on October 23rd, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, I haven't read her books in like, forever. The idea just kinda bounced into my mind as "chamber of trials" and I went "like whoa" and ran along with it. Hee. But Tenten would be way more fun.

*laughs* Ah, but it all came out in the end. Next thing you know, it'll turn to be some sort of secert messanging system. But mostly for love notes. XP

The last fic was totally made up by me, concept inspired by the talk of "blanket fics" in the first post about possibly holding a festival here. As for why they continued to read...it's kind of like a horror movie where it's terrifying you but you just can't look away? Like that. Although this was horror of a different kind. XP
(Deleted comment)
Toboe LoneWolftoboe_lonewolf on October 23rd, 2006 10:23 pm (UTC)
I love non-high school AUs like none other. I'm thinking of maybe doing something like wildcatt's "East O' the Sun and West O' the Moon" with a bunch of Naruto AU one-shots, but she's already kinda done that. XP

Thank you! Organic Chemistry of Doom (TM) shall not stop me from posting the Nejiten crack-and-fluff we all need. =D
(Deleted comment)
Toboe LoneWolftoboe_lonewolf on October 23rd, 2006 10:25 pm (UTC)
Everyone needs a good dosage of Nejiten crack. Yep.

Thank you! Hope you'll enjoy the future stuff I'll bring to the festival!
YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE LEXCORP JETPACKSyesthatnagia on October 23rd, 2006 10:53 pm (UTC)
That first ficlet is reminding me of something I read about. But I can't remember what. It got ragged a lot in limyaael's rants. I think. Maybe.

Second ficlet is delicious.

And the third! Those are my favourite kind. I've been meaning to write one myself, but so many ideas, so little time, and so many other fic obligations.
Toboe LoneWolftoboe_lonewolf on October 24th, 2006 12:46 am (UTC)
...XP I'm betting it's a rant on the cliched feminist fantasy swordswoman heroine. To which I *nodnod* and promptly go off to deluded-land and squee over girls with swords. Which is probably why I'll never be a published writer since everyone I'll create will be Mary Sues/Gary Stus. XP

*nudgenudge* You could write a drabble on it...
YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE LEXCORP JETPACKS: i might almost stand here (tenten)yesthatnagia on October 24th, 2006 01:29 am (UTC)
Hm, maybe, maybe not? I don't know. She hasn't ranted in a while, and I haven't gone on a re-read.

*snerk* Actually, I'm drabbling on Tenten, sirens, rivers, local legends, and Neji trying to go splat. *sighs* Apparently, I just can't write fluff.
silverteardropxsilverteardropx on October 23rd, 2006 11:49 pm (UTC)
i can't imagine what they would really do to all of us! XD
Toboe LoneWolftoboe_lonewolf on October 24th, 2006 12:50 am (UTC)
Hm. If the cake is gone I must replenish it...XDDDDD

I'm sure we've all got scary imaginations of what they'd do to us...Itachi, for example...XP
snowyowl131 on October 24th, 2006 11:17 pm (UTC)
The third one is freaking AWESOME. You Win the Internet. <3 *gives you lots of cookies*

White Out... Ooooo.... God invented white out so we could all be happy(But not as happy as Tenten Unfortunatly).

And the first one is awesome. A Bit Mary-Sue-ish But Awesome None-The-Less. 8D
Toboe LoneWolftoboe_lonewolf on October 28th, 2006 05:20 am (UTC)
Yay cookies!

Tenten's happy. But in an embarrassed sort of way. =D

And yeah, the first one is sorta mary-sue-ish, but...girls with swords rock. And I wanted to end it happy. XP

I'm glad you liked it!
Miri: Opposite Directionskatya_jule on December 16th, 2006 08:05 am (UTC)
You RULE. Your second and third rock my world!